The Adventures of the Wixom Vixen

Movers and Shakers

2008-02-03T11:30:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted on here in ages. I think it's cause I do most of my posting on MySpace. But then I had that conversation about my television the other day. And it got me thinking of a certain blogger who used to comment on my blog quite frequently.

This weekend I managed to put together a 2 Drawer Organizer all by myself.

Craptastic

2007-09-30T15:21:00.000-07:00

I just went to do laundry which requires getting in my car and driving to the laundry building and carrying my basket in only to discover that all the machines are being used. Is there supposed to be standing water at the bottom of my dishwater? I think not. One of my front burners on the stove doesn't work. I don't have a couch. I hate it here.

It's the Movie

2007-09-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

I absolutely LOVE the movie "She's the Man". I don't think love is even a strong enough word for the feelings I have for this movie. I adore it with every fiber in my being. It's like gold in the form of a DVD. And that Channing Tatum is a like the perfect male specimen. So chiseled and rugged and...ravishlingly handsome. I still don't have cable at my new place so I've been watching DVDs and I think I've watched "She's the Man" about 20 times now. And it's just as fabulous as the first time. My heart is bursting with adoration and I want to shout my adulation for this cinematic masterpiece from the highest mountain.

Boob Tube

2007-08-25T09:14:00.000-07:00

Terre Haute gets 2 TV channels. 2 and 10. That's what Terre Hautens will tell you when you ask what channels they get. How does that help? NBC and CBS is what they should say. But anyhoo, I haven't signed myself up for cable yet (partly due to laziness and partly to budget concerns) so I get these wonderful 2 channels with my antenna. This morning my choices were some show about Indiana businesses and financial success or Veggie Tales. So I decide to put in one of the DVDs I bought at Walmart just for such an occurrance. As I'm putting in the DVD I've got the Veggie Tales on and a story starts and the characters have French accents. So then I have to watch cause it has to with French. The story was about this lady who is blue (both literally and metaphorically) cause her neighbors have more and nicer stuff than she. And then a StuffMart is built right down the road and associates from the store come to her house and tell her that if she goes to StuffMart and buys lots of their stuff she'll be happy. She has two friends/butlers who are over and advise against her going but she decides to go anyways. So they get on the elevator/pully thingy to head out (she lives in a tree house so you have to go on the thing to get in and out) and it goes to commercial! I was sitting there like, "What?! Commercial! Noooooooo!!! I have to know if happiness lies at the StuffMart! How could they do this to me?!" So, to wrap this up, she goes to StuffMart and gets oodles and oodles of stuff but it doesn't make her happy and she sees children whose parents can't get them what they really want cause it's too much money but they're still happy. So she tells the associates she wants a Happy Heart but they don't carry that. I was quite disappointed at this point. This show is full of trickery and tomfoolery. They reel you in with those French accents and then end up trying to teach you some moral lesson. Blech. The ending was somewhat funny cause her treehouse ended up falling and smashing cause it was stuffed to the gills with all her new stuff. So I think I'll call about that cable first thing on Monday.

Casting Couch

2007-08-23T18:46:00.000-07:00

There's this awesome looking ox blood sofa I found online that I really want to buy for my apartment but it's totally impractical. It looks more like a couch you would find in a law firm and not a teacher's apartment.

Witty Title about Moving

2007-08-08T11:42:00.001-07:00

I hate moving. It's the packing part that I just really can't stand. And since I don't like it, I procrastinate and leave it till the last minute. Ask anyone who's helped me move and I'm sure they'll verify that I'm never completely packed when the truck pulls up. But I especially hate packing in 90 degree weather and crazy humidity in a house with no AC. This sucks.

Happy News: I got a new car!

The transmission on the Silver Bullet went kaput and was going to cost oodles and oodles of dollars to fix so Joeboo and I decided that it was more economical and practical to simply get me a new car. I now have a 2005 Malibu Maxx and I really like it. So, I got a new car yesterday, tomorrow I'm moving to a new city and next week I'm starting a new job. It's like I'm starting this whole new life. It's a bit overwhelming.

Goodbye Detroit, Hello Terre Haute

2007-08-06T07:46:00.000-07:00

Well my loyal fans, if you haven't managed to talk to me personally in the last few weeks then this post will probably be overwhelming. I accepted the French/German teaching position in Terre Haute. I have orientation on the 10th which is this Friday. School starts on August 15th which is next Wednesday. My mother and I drove down this past weekend and managed to find me an apartment. It's very nice and the bedroom will fit my bedroom set which was my mother's main concern. Everyplace we went she'd be like, "I don't know if your bedroom set will fit. Hmmmmm, what are the dimensions?" She was like a broken record. I'm packing up my car and leaving on Thursday, very early in the morning. My family is packing up their cars with my "humungous" bedroom set and other assundries and driving down Saturday, also leaving early in the morning. They're then turning around and driving back on Sunday. Now how can Sil say I have a crappy family when they're willing to do that for me? I will be back on Labor Day weekend and I'll probably have a going away party even though I'll already technically be gone. I'm currently scared, nervous, stressed, excited, and overwhelmed. Oh, and I have a sinus headache.

Bleeding Heart

2007-07-02T15:57:00.000-07:00

It seems that I've returned from my travels with a restless and melancholy spirit. I'm wearing the rain hat that I never got to wear in Europe as I'm writing this post. I look like Gilligan. I drove out to Meijer's and PetSmart today and as I was driving on the freeway I was tempted to just keep going. Just follow the freeway to the end and beyond and see where it takes me. Before the trip I was satisfied with my humdrum existence cause it was what I knew but now I've seen that there's excitement to be had out there and I'm no longer content with my life. My existence has become dull and boring. And I've also started to want what others have. I see couples walking hand in hand and gazing lovingly at each other and I want what they have. And it irks me cause I want to be happy being single. I'm never going to find someone so it's just pointless longing. My destiny is to be one of those spinster teachers with dozens of cats. I was looking at my friends list on my MySpace page and I decided to look at this guy's page that I once went on a date with, he never called or wrote after the date as per usual with me and dates. As I was looking at his page I saw that he's now "in a relationship" and I felt a stab of pain and jealousy in my chest upon reading this information. I used to be fine with the knowledge that I would never have true and complete happiness in any aspect of my life but suddenly I want to find contentment. Maybe I was numb before. I'd like to go back to being numb because at least then I wasn't hurting. I hurt now. And this rain hat isn't stopping the pain from pouring into my heavy heart.

Up Against Nature

2007-07-02T07:08:00.001-07:00

Sometimes when it's windy I like to stand facing the wind with my arms spread out and my eyes closed. When the wind hits me it reminds me that I'm alive and a part of this complicated world that we live in. I'm a force that even the wind has to reckon with and can't simply breeze through. I have substance but do I have a purpose?

Travelin' Gal

2007-06-15T11:27:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving for the Europe trip in 2 days. Isn't that crazy? It always seemed so far off and now it's here. I'm really excited about going back to Europe but I'm nervous about being in charge of 25 high school students. I'm looking forward to being in Austria cause I've never been there. We're also spending in afternoon in Liechtenstein and I don't see the appeal for going there but I'll probably be surpised and love it or something. But I'd rather cross the border into Switzerland. For those that are interested these are the cities we're going to; land in Frankfurt, Germany and then head to Rothenburg (medieval walled city), next it's on to Munich, then we cross the border into Austria and visit Salzburg, next is Innsbruck, then to Bregenz and the Bodensee (the Bodensee is a huge lake called Lake Constance by English speakers that is bordered by Austria, Switzerland and Germany), cross over to Liechtenstein, then back to Germany going to Freiburg, and finally on to Heidelberg. We fly out of Frankfurt and return on June 30th.

Drowned Rat

2007-06-08T14:24:00.000-07:00

I went to the grocery store today and before I left I made sure that Raffi was inside. We have to make sure he's inside the house if nobody's home otherwise we won't be able to run outside and get him when he starts attacking pets in the neighborhood and/or neighbors. He usually hangs out on the front porch. So I open the front door and he comes in and Gwennie comes running up to the porch but she doesn't want to come in so I leave her outside. Gwennie can be left outside when no one is home cause she doesn't attack animals or people. Now I had heard on the news that we were going to get thunderstorms but I thought they meant later in the day or this evening. They totally didn't make it sound like it would be in the next hour. So I go do some grocery shopping and as I'm leaving the store it's pouring out so I wait a few minutes and it lets up and I go to my car and head home. I had completely forgot about Guinevere being outside until I pulled into the driveway and this pathetic, drenched, and bedraggled creature crawled out of the bushes. It looked like some weird evil varmint from a Sci-Fi Horror movie. But it was my poor, sweet Gwennie. I felt terrible. I jumped out of the car and left the groceries and was like, "Oh my gosh! My poor baby! I'm so sorry, my Darling! I didn't know it was going to pour like that. My poor sweet Baby. Come inside and we'll dry you off." I just kept gushing apologies and got a towel and dried her off. She was so pathetic. And she just looked so bewildered and...soaked. I spent like 20 minutes brushing her and she LOVES being brushed so I think things are okay between us.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness

2007-05-28T12:03:00.000-07:00

Today is a holiday. I'm spending it by cleaning my room. It's my bi-annual cleaning which means it takes several hours and is quite labor-intensive. My mother is camping this weekend so I haven't had to deal with her nagging and guilt-trips and constant questions about what I'm doing. It's quite lovely. I also got to watch a horror movie the other night on the big TV. Every once in a while during my cleaning I get the feeling that I should be at a BBQ or something with others. But then I think about how much progress I've made on my room and I think that it's okay that I'm inside cleaning on a holiday. And I'm used to being left out. During my cleaning I went through the boxes under my bed and realized that there were a whole bunch of sweaters and long-sleeved shirts that would have been useful this past winter. That's why I don't like under-the-bed boxes for clothing cause I forget that they're there and have stuff I could wear. But it's currently inevitable since I live in a 12'x10' room. All space must be utilized to capacity. Sometimes I look around my room and wonder what investigators would think if I was ever killed and they were searching my room for clues. I have 8 bottles of body lotion on my window sill. What would they infer from that? I have a fake skull next to a statue of the Virgin Mary on my television. Oh, and the Virgin Mary statue has a pink mini-boa around her neck. I have a cross with dirt from the Holy Land hanging on one wall and posters about sex and drinking on another wall (promoting it, just in case you were confused).

Hire Me!

2007-05-24T16:32:00.000-07:00

I hate this whole job application process. It's so tedious. I have to write an essay for all these applications about why I should be employed by the school district and I'm stuck. I know once I get the first sentence down it'll flow and I'll get it done in little time but I can't get that first sentence. When I first went to write it I was going to start with, "I love being in the classroom." but then I decided that was a horrible way to start it. And how should I sound? I mean I don't want to be boring and ambiguous but I want to look like I'm a professional and taking it seriously. Gah! I just want to teach French! I WANT to be in a high school classroom with high school students and I don't have a criminal record and I'm certified. Shouldn't that just get me in right away? Most people cringe at the thought of spending 7 hours a day with teenagers. I'm asking to do it on a daily basis.

Blech. Job hunting sucks.

Playing the Game

2007-05-15T16:19:00.000-07:00

I can't check my yahoo email at work so I don't get emails about things going on until I check it at night. And if there's an email about that very night then I've already dropped the ball. When I checked my email tonight I saw messages about going to Xochimilco's and then when I grabbed my phone to call about said email I noticed that i had missed a call. I think I was outside chasing Raffi when I missed the call. So no mexican food for me. It's okay though, I have papers that need to be graded. And speaking of grading, I found out yesterday that the teacher I'm covering is not coming back until after Memorial Day. I'm both happy and not happy about this. I'm happy cause it means mo' money but I'm not happy cause it means a week or two more of this hellish subbing position.

I know I'm selfish but sometimes I wonder if I'm more selfish than others or if we're just selfish creatures. Don't we all want it to be about us? I want to be somebody's muse. I want to read something and know that it's about me.

Yesterday for Mother's Day my father instructed the children of mothers to write a poem for their mother to be read aloud at dinner. He gave us this assignment like weeks ago and I was the only one who actually did it, everyone else just went up to the podium and said kind words about their mother or the mother of their children (yes, we had a podium). So I read my poem aloud to everyone and they all look impressed yet shocked. Barbara says to me, "Wow. That was really good." And then she gave me a hug. And my father says to the group, "Whew. I think we were all a little afraid about what Jessica was going to have written but she didn't talk about death or this cruel, cruel world at all. that was actually quite touching." I hope I don't lose my street cred.

Into the Great Wide Open

2007-05-06T19:05:00.000-07:00

I went into the bathroom today and one of the knobs on the étagere was crooked and I looked at it for a moment and thought to myself, "huh. the knob is crooked . I wonder how that happened. " Then I twisted it back into the correct position. Afterwards I felt like everything was right in the world.

I think that I just hurt my mother's feelings. But it's her own fault. She's so emotional and sappy. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have to move out of state for a teaching job and I have mistakenly expressed this fact to my mother. So now she keeps telling me about all the people she knows in other states. I think that she thinks I'm upset or worried about the possibility of moving out of state but I'm not really. I mean of course I'll miss my friends and family but I'll be visiting and once Michigan starts hiring more teachers I'll come back. I'm also 30 years old and can handle moving to another state. Tonight she was having dinner with her best friend and their family and she comes home and is telling me how everyone was asking about my job search. Then she starts saying how everyone was saying that if I move out of state there are trains and planes and ways to visit. And I'm sick of her telling me this everyday and so I'm like, Jesus, Mother, I know that. I'm not thinking about teaching in Siberia. I know that I can frickin' come home and visit." Then she saws that it was more about everyone coming to visit me and said that there would be a mass of people coming to visit and so i frowned and said, "yeeeeahhh, I'm not really a people person." Then she looked sad and walked out of my room. But seriously, the woman is making me want to move out of state by constantly reassuring me about it.

This post took 20 minutes to write because the letters appeared 30 seconds after I would type them. It's fucking annoying.

Adjective Endings after "der" words

2007-04-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry that I've been remiss in updating my blog recently with my wacky and exciting adventures. The Wixom Vixen has been quite the busy bee lately. I started that long-term German subbing position where I quickly discovered that I can't actually speak German anymore. I think the students are starting to catch on too. The regular teacher is letting me do the lesson plans which is nice in terms of the freedom aspect but tedious and time-consuming in the actually planning lessons for 4 different classes aspect. Especially when one is a government class. The government class consists of 23 high school boys and 4 high school girls. I think somebody wasn't paying close attention when scheduling the govt classes. And it's the last class of the day. Needless to say, it's my least favorite class of the day. I'm off on Easter Break this week but instead of going somewhere warm I'm working on several papers I have to write for my 2 grad classes. One of which is my Master's Thesis Proposal. Fun stuff. Tomorrow and Wednesday I'm babysitting Sarah.

Sil went psycho at Easter Dinner yesterday. It's too long and bizarre to get into the details here but that woman is seriously starting to annoy the crap out of me with her delusional rantings. And my brother is too pussy-whipped to actually see that she's seriously disturbed. And that's why I hate holidays.

Jammy Jam

2007-03-26T15:54:00.000-07:00

I went to the 95.5 Singles Mingle this past Friday. Sarah's friend Jacque had won 8 tickets and Sarah invited me since I'm single. It was at the Holiday Inn at Southgate and we had a hotel room there. I almost backed out when she told me it was a pajama party but I decided to grin and bear it. I wore long baggy pants, a long sleeved shirt and fuzzy slippers for my pajamas. I was worried that there were going to be lots of skanky hos dressed in skanky lingerie but there weren't too many. The girls told me that Neo would be there and I was all, "Neo? Why don't they just say that Keanu Reeves will be there?" They had psychics that you could see but you had to wait in line. I didn't want to see the psychics, well more like I didn't care enough to wait in line, but I somehow always seemed to be in line waiting with someone else. Sarah got really drunk and passed out before 11pm. After the party I went to Derek and Bob's room and made out with Bob. I eventually got really tired and just wanted to sleep but all Bob wanted to do was make out. At 5am I finally told him that I was going back to my room so I could go to sleep but I didn't have a key so I had to knock on the door for about 10 minutes before someone finally dragged their ass out of bed and let me in. The next morning we went to Bob Evans for breakfast. I've never liked Bob Evans and I still don't. I was displeased with my meal and annoyed that I had to spend $11 on that plebeian crap. And there was a Denny's right next door! Who the fuck chooses Bob Evans over Denny's? It's like I was with my grandma.

Bride Not to Be

2007-03-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

I got a reminder from my Yahoo Calendar today reminding me that my wedding is tomorrow, March 17, 2007. Back in 2003 or 2004 I decided that I wanted my wedding to be on St Patty's Day cause I thought that would be an awesomely fun wedding day and anniversary to have. So I figured out when the next St Patty's Day would be falling on a Saturday and I put it on my calendar and I told my friends to save the date. And it seems the day is upon us. Except that I don't have a hall rented, or a wedding dress or a cake or even a groom. And the biggest thing missing is the desire to even get married. A few years ago it seemed like that's what you were supposed to feel and do when you reached 30. You were supposed to be either on the way to getting married or want to be on the way. But I don't want to get married. Maybe someday but right now its' the last thing that I want. It seems that my feelings of not wanting to get married are abnormal. One of my mom's good friends (who happens to be my friends mom) is always lamenting to my mother that me and this friend are going to be alone for the rest of our lives and grow to be spinsters and never get married. And when I hear this the thought doesn't really bother me. It actually sounds enticing. I wouldn't have to answer to anyone or share the bed or wash their stinky laundry or make room for their stuff. I'm not an easy person to live with and I don't like people messing with my way of doing stuff and organizing things. So living alone seems like a fabulous idea. And it's not like I'd be hermit. I would work at a school where I'd see students and colleagues and then I'd hang out with friends on evenings and weekends and then when they annoyed me I could go to my home and be alone. Well, I'd have my several cats of course but I like living with cats. Am I abnormal for getting excited about the prospect of being alone?

Deep Thoughts

2007-03-15T16:34:00.000-07:00

I think I need one of those little recording devices like John Cusack had in "Say Anything". Then I could record my thoughts just by speaking them into the machine and write them in my blog at a later time. I always have great thoughts when I'm driving and I think to myself, "I'll have to post that in my blog later." But then later comes and I've forgotten the great thought. So you're thinking it must not have been that great if I can't remember, right? Well, that's where you'd be wrong Mr. Error McWrongsterpants. It just makes the thought that much more great cause it has to be hidden away and can't be floating around in the air for the wrong person to snatch away. See? And then it presents itself to those who are deemed worthy. Check and mate. I think that's what you're supposed to say when you've won but I'm not really sure cause I don't play chess. It's too time consuming and it gives people wrinkles from all that contemplation and pondering.

I'm Looking for Attention

2007-03-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

There's a difference between being funny and just being an ass. And if you can't tell the difference then you obviously haven't reached the higher plane of existence known to most as "possessing intelligence".

Working the Glutes

2007-03-09T17:19:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned in a previous post my mother bought me a membership to Bally's in January. I got a free training session with a personal trainer and then I bought a few more cause I couldn't say no. I did not, though, buy the recommended 16 sessions at a cost of $973. Ha! As if. It didn't seem to sink in when I said 3 times that I was a substitute teacher. My trainer's name is Ted. I like to call him Trainer Ted or sometimes Tred for short. He's not at all the type of person that I usually picture being a trainer but the training sessions have been going well. He has a quiet voice and is really soft-spoken but he doesn't let me cajole him into not doing stuff I don't like. I'll be all (in my whiny voice), "Oh god, not the rope, Ted. Teddddd, I hate the rope. I don't want to do the rope." And he'll just smile and say in his really soft voice, "Okay, so we'll do 3 sets of 15, okay?" And he's so nice about it that I just slump my shoulders and go do the rope. Tred really puts me through the wringer during our weekly sessions. My legs always feel all wobbly and like they're made of jello when I'm done and I worry that they'll give out on me as I'm walking out of the gym so I just keep repeating to myself, "If you can make it out the door and to the car, then you can collapse at home and nobody will know that you have jello legs and they won't laugh at you."

Have a Beer for Uncle T. He'd want it that way.

2007-02-22T19:37:00.000-08:00

My Uncle Timmy died the other day. I had to drive my mother to the airport today so she could fly out to Syracuse, NY and attend the viewing and funeral with her remaining siblings. My other uncle (Uncle Peter, still alive) originally said that he only wanted immediate family (i.e. siblings only, both parents are dead from illnesses related to smoking) at the funeral and so I shouldn't come but then he apologized and said I could come but it didn't work out for me to go anyways. Also according to my other uncle there's not going to be a big fanfare or any fuss over the dead uncle. Uncle P is angry at Uncle Timmy's lifestyle and early demise due to said lifestyle. My Uncle Timmy was only 52 years-old. He was diagnosed with emphysema a couple years ago and was told by his doctor to quit smoking and drinking and he was supposed to be on oxygen 24/7. He did none of these things. But it was his choice and he knew the consequences of not following the doctor's orders. My Uncle Timmy was a fun guy. All he cared about was having a good time and making sure everyone around him was happy. Ah, good ol' Uncle Timmy...you'll be missed.

A New Order

2007-02-21T19:28:00.000-08:00

Last week I was subbing at Warren Woods for the new science teacher they had hired. The teacher had been officially hired but was finishing up her position at another school with block scheduling. The students hadn't had an actual teacher for the first few weeks of the semester, just subs giving out worksheet after worksheet. When I'm subbing for a class I tend to be much more laid-back than when I have my own class. I let students listen to their ipods or sleep and move to other desks just as long as they're not bugging me or other students who are actually working. So the students had me as a relaxed sub who didn't lecture or check their work or yell at them from Monday thru Thursday. Then the new teacher was there for Friday but they wanted me in the room since I had been with the students all week. She came in and right away started laying down some ground rules and making them put their ipods away and assigning seats. So she sets them to work sitting quietly in their assigned seats and watches like a hawk for ipods or talking or any behavior she didn't approve of. Even I was a little scared of her. At one point she left the classroom to go to the office and one of the students looked at me with an imploring look in his eyes and whispered, "Help us."

Rebirth of an Accursed Enemy

2007-02-14T11:07:00.000-08:00

I had this long post written about Family Dinner and Ryan coming and making butter and then...that blasted Post Eraser struck! Damn you, Post Eraser, DAMN YOU!!! (shakes fist angrily in air)

Let's Get Physical

2007-02-10T10:17:00.000-08:00

I finally got my Bally's membership info in the mail on Thursday so yesterday I went to the gym to get my membership card and try the place out. I went after subbing in Royal Oak and I really just wanted to go home and take a nap but I forced myself to go to that gym. Since I'm a new member I get a free 1-hour session with a trainer. I set up my appointment for Monday. I'm somewhat nervous about this hour-long session with a trainer. First because it's a frickin' hour long. I'm usually lucky to push myself to do 30 minutes of any kind of activity so an hour is going to practically kill me. And second I'm wary of the actual trainer. When I made the appt with him I was not getting a typical physical trainer vibe. He has this really quiet voice and he's very soft-spoken. He also was hunching his shoulders and I always picture trainers jutting their chest out and strutting around like they own the place. After we made the appt, he goes, "Um, so okay. So...um...I'll see you on Monday at 3:15 and we'll...um...workout and stuff." It didn't really instill confidence in me but I basically just want to learn exercises that will help me with target areas and how to use the equipment which I'm sure he'll be able to do. Then I changed into my workout clothes and used a treadmill and stationary bike for 12 minutes each. Baby steps, you know. I was a little disconcerted by the looks of horror on the faces of the other gym members when I was walking around. I think I was like a walking warning sign to them. This is what happens if you stop going to the gym every week. They were all quite fit and thin and in great shape. So for me they were like walking inspirational posters. A win-win situation.

Fruit of my Loins

2007-02-05T16:30:00.000-08:00

I've been collecting wine bottle corks for over a year now. We usually go through 3-8 bottles of wine each week at Family Dinner and the host will give me the corks. I also collect them from various other places. I've got quite a lot now. We had Family Dinner at Barb's last night and when she was giving me the corks my father asked what I was going to do with all the corks that I've been collecting. I said that I wasn't sure but I was thinking of getting a cheap low coffee table and then glueing the corks on the top in a single layer and putting glass over it cause I thought that it would look cool. And my father replies, "Why don't you somehow use them to get me another grandchild?" And I was all, "How can I use corks to give you a grandchild? What, you want me to make a grandchild out of corks?" Well, the idea totally caught on and we all ran with it. It was decided that I will create a cork-child and I will call him Corky. I told my father that I expect him to babysit Corky and bring him to work to show off to his law firm partners. Now I have to figure out how to create a cork-child. Suggestions would be appreciated.

A Fish Called Edgar

2007-02-02T17:39:00.000-08:00

I'm going to buy a ceramic fish from Target tomorrow. It's on sale this week for $10. I told my mother that I'm going to put it on the mantel in the living room. It's awesome. I almost bought it the other night when I was at Target with Kristen but I wasn't sure about spending the money. It's all I've been thinking about since that night though and I've realized that I can't live without it. So I'm going to buy the beautiful ceramic fish tomorrow. Soon my life will be complete. Well, except for not having a full-time teaching job, being hopelessly in debt, and living with my mother at the age of 30. But those are just minor details.

More Spinning, Less Talking About Yourself

2007-02-01T19:54:00.000-08:00

The two classes I'm taking this semester are a lot more work than I thought they would be. And of course a bunch of the students in one of the classes think that a class discussion means telling everyone about their retarded, mulatto or whathaveyou child. I hate hearing about other people's annoying children. I'm not paying tuition to hear about thier stupid lives and stupid problems. If they want to sit in a room and talk about themselves then they should save thier tuition money and spend it on a shrink instead. It's just like on game shows when they have the person talk about themselves. I get so annoyoed on Wheel of Fortune cause it's like they're given a list of adjectives to use when describing their family. They can't just say, "I'm married with 2 daughters." They have to say, "I'm married to a wonderful man and I have two adorable and precious daughters.". Jeez, gag me. My mother always gets mad at me cause I start screaming at the television going, "Shut the hell up! Nobody cares! Just spin the wheel you diseased crack whore!" Maybe my father is right. Perhaps television really is a communist plot to sap the lifeblood of the American Youth.

And Now Miss B will Dazzle You with her Brilliance

2007-01-27T18:30:00.000-08:00

I subbed every day this past week. It was pretty easy work. On Monday I got to sub for the French teacher at Warren Woods who I pre-student taught with. It was great to actually be spaeaking French again and help the students with -er verbs and body parts. The next day there was a student teacher in the classroom where I was subbing and he actually did the lessons so I just had to sit there and relax. It was only his second day but he did quite well. At lunch he had a little notebook that he was writing in. I think he was making notes about the lesson but one of the other teachers looked over at him writing and was like, "You taking notes on lunch?" We all had a good laugh about that. Then another day I subbed for the librarian which meant I didn't actually have classes. I just sat at the main desk and looked around every once in a while to make sure to make sure any students in the library were behaving while I read magazines and the newspaper. On Thursday I subbed for another teacher who had a student teacher that did the lessons for the afternoon classes. I tried to make the students in the 1st hour class laugh by telling a funny joke. I was pronouncing my last name and I said, "You can call me Miss B if you like. Just don't call me late for dinner!" Most of the students just stared at me with puzzled expressions. And finally on Friday I covered the cosmetology instructor in the morning which involved sitting there and watching high school girls do each other's hair and talk about which boys are cheating with what skanks. We also listened to the radio and I used my position as substitute teacher to veto any country. In the afternoon I subbed for the Health Skills (nursing) instructor and she had the students watching the movie "Speak". So all I had to do was make sure the students didn't get too crazy and sit and watch the movie. And they're going to pay me for all that hard work. Outstanding!

Updates to come in the following days:

I'm going to Germany in June
My mother bought me a gym membership

Decisions, Decisions

2007-01-19T11:48:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to decide what to do tonight. Some friends are going to see the movie Pan's Labyrinth which is supposed to be fantastic and I'm sure I would enjoy seeing it and hanging out with friends. But it's a half-hour drive to the movie theatre and it's at 10:30pm. I think that I'm showing my age by being concerned with these things. But there's another kink to think about. My mother is going out tonight and she NEVER goes out. Seriously, this is the first time she's gone out in about 7 months. And she's not even really going out, she's going to her knitting club get-together. Since she never goes out I NEVER get the house to myself at night to watch horror movies on the big TV or sit and not listen to her incessant rambling or sniffling from crying at every frickin' thing on television. The woman cries if someone gets a paper cut on a show. Last night was HORRENDOUS when we were watching Grey's Anatomy. Not only was she weeping like she was going to bottle her tears and sell them but she had to tell me for the 117th time that she's appointed her friend to make medical decisions if she's in that kind of situation (George's father) so Miquel and I won't have to go through the emotional turmoil of having to decide our mother's fate. So then I end up yelling at her that she's told me this over a hundred times and that she must think I have memory loss or am stupid since she's told me so many frickin' (I might have used stronger language) times and she gets all hurt and cries even MORE. Gah! And she always has to know what I'm doing. I look for something on the dining room table and she has to know what I'm looking for. Why? It doesn't concern her. If I get out a snack she'll point out the obvious by saying, "Having a snack?" No, Mother, you're just imagining me sitting here eating goldfish. The woman is driving me to drink. A night all by myself lazing on the couch with no one around pestering me sounds FABULOUS.

You see? This might be my only opportunity for the next year to have the house to myself and no pestering mother and I don't know if I should let it go by. It's a conundrum.

Seeing is Believing

2007-01-17T09:47:00.000-08:00

There are some things that you hear about existing and people say that they've seen them but you always just think it's a myth. Like the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, or Britney Spears' underwear. And the one that I always thought was just people making jokes was the plumber's butt crack. But I saw it with my own eyes yesterday and it was frightening. My mother called a plumber cause the drain in the basement wasn't draining and we had a big 3" deep puddle in the basement. So I lead the plumber downstairs and I'm standing there as he's looking at the drain and I look down and he's squatted down to get a better look there it is! The infamous butt crack! It was huge and just...there! Out in the open for all the world to see! I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from cying out in horror. Then I decided to go upstairs and let him do his thing in peace. Do they not know how to pull up their pants? Is that part of plumber training? He did fix the drain though so maybe that's the price you have to pay. Well, along with the $149.95.

Jessica the Conqueror

2007-01-14T18:30:00.000-08:00

My friend Ryan mentioned pillaging small countries recently and I thought to myself, "Oh my gosh! That sounds like so much fun! Why don't we do that more often?" Ryan always has great ideas. I want to pillage. And I want to wear a cool Viking warrior outfit and swing a big sword around. The villagers will all cower in fear as I raze their meager huts that they call houses.

I'm filling out a financial aid form cause I've realized that I can't work as a substitute teacher, take 2 graduate classes, and still pay my bills so I have a need for financial aid. I have to put in info about my earnings for last year and I earned less than $15,000. How did I live on that?

I Hope You've Been Studying

2007-01-10T08:52:00.000-08:00

So, everyone's been doing those friend quizzes lately. I find the basic premise of quizzing and rating your friends somewhat disturbing and unsettling. But I can't resist the urge to take the quizzes. I also can't resist the urge to make my own. But I made mine a little different, half of the questions are really easy and half of the questions are really difficult and/or random. I'm a leming, here ya go:

Where's the quiz, you ask? Yeah, because I'm fucking cursed with this stupid fucking technology it won't fucking paste into my fucking blog. It gives me a fucking message about fucking html errors. It's fucking irritating.

Go to my MySpace page and take it there. Thank you.

What is it, Girl? Timmy's stuck in a well?!

2007-01-04T19:19:00.000-08:00

My friend Kristen lives right across the street from me. Well, not directly across I suppose. More like kiddy-corner. Is that the word? Anyways it's great for when I need to borrow something like a cup of sugar or a shrunken head. She's also a doctor so I can shuffle over when I feel sick and she'll check me out. So tonight I was sitting in the living room talking to my mother when from our front bay window I see Kristen standing at her door and waving a flashlight back and forth. I held up a hand to get my mother to stop her babbling and was like, "Oh my gosh! Kristen's on her doorstep waving a flashlight! She's in trouble!" I was already up and off the couch by the end of the statement. I ran to our front door and threw it open. Then I yelled out across the street, "Kristen! Kristen, are you okay?" She yelled back that she was fine. She was simply signaling to somebody who was coming over to her house and didn't know which one it was. It was a bit of a letdown. It's obvious though that Kristen and I need some sort of "I'm in danger" signal. We also need a "there's an incredibly hot guy in my house right now and he has a brother" signal. I just hope we get to use it.

Games and Mexicali Dip

2007-01-02T09:52:00.000-08:00

I'd really like to write a post but I have nothing to write about. I suppose I could tell you about my NYE. I went to a house party in Woodhaven. I know! I didn't think people actually lived in Woodhaven either but there's houses and everything! I drove out with Beckie, Sarah, and Jaimie (sp?). I don't know how to spell her name but she has cool lips so I think I'll call her Hot Lips from now on. I'm a little bummed because some members of the Eastside Contingent have lost their single status. I like the thought of us as four hot single chicks like the women of Sex and the City. I wonder who I would be. Probably a mixture of Charlotte and Samantha. One Eastside Contingent member got a profession of love when the ball dropped on NYE. She later threw up but I think that had to do more with mucho alcohol consumptioni rather than with professions of love. We played Scattergories throughout the night. That game is really hard when you've been drinking. Some people were playing a card game called Higher/Lower or something and it usually involved about 4-7 shots. I refused to play. I also refused to drink crappy champagne so I brought 2 bottles of Korbel for myself and others with more sophisticated tastes. 655t7y6 That was Guinevere walking over the keyboard. She always feels the need to put her two cents in. But back to NYE, I passed out on my air mattress sometime after 4am. The next morning I woke up and reached for my cup of water which was on the table to my right and took a big gulp. Then I looked behind me and Hot Lips and Beckie were sitting up and staring at me. So we packed up and went home. I laid on the couch and watched the Monk marathon for most of New Year's Day.

Drugstore Cowboy

2006-12-29T16:40:00.000-08:00

Why am I always attracted to cashiers? There's a cashier at the CVS that I go to who I find so very cute. He's got some grey in his hair so he's probably in his forties and he doesn't have the best teeth but he's tall and skinny and I get so excited when he's working cause I get to talk with him while I pay for my stuff. One time when I was buying stickers he gave me a funny look and so I was all, "I'm a teacher." And he was like, "I know, I was just giving you a hard time." Part of me was creeped out that he knew I was a teacher and part of me thought it was so sweet and romantic. I know I should just not think about him cause it would never work between us but I just can't seem to help myself from dreaming. Maybe I like cashiers cause they handle money all day. Dirty, filthy money. You're a dirty little whore, aren't you? Yeah, you are. You need to be punished. Oops, sorry. I got a little carried away there. It was the thought of money and cashiers.

Senorita Jessica!

2006-12-28T09:54:00.000-08:00

I'm staying at the Sterling Inn tonight with the Fam. They have a waterpark there and Joeboo is footing the bill. I plan on spending most of my time in the hot tub or the lazy river. Then I'll probably order lots of room service and raid the mini-bar. I'm driving separately so I can leave before my father sees the bill.

Television Whore

2006-12-27T08:29:00.000-08:00

Dude, is anyone watching The Price is Right today? I totally think that one of the contestants just called down to contestants row is Tristin from Beauty and The Geek. It's just so weird cause MTV has been playing reruns of Beauty and the Geek and now she's on The Price is Right. It's quite perplexing to me but fascinating at the same time. Now I have to keep watching and see if she makes it on stage.

Holidays Suck

2006-12-26T08:24:00.000-08:00

Christmas was terrible yesterday. Well, it was great when it was just my mother and I at home but then I had to go to the Family Gathering. Sarah was still in her pajamas. It was 3pm and everyone else was dressed. My brain couldn't process it. It was an anomaly. I think that's the right word. Anyways I was trying to convince her and others that she needed to be dressed so that things would conform but to no avail. It made me twitchy and bitchy having only Sarah in pajamas. I started drinking a lot of wine to dull the voices in my head that kept pointing out that Sarah wasn't dressed but the wine didn't seem to help. Joy told me to stop acting like a 3 year-old and start acting like a 30 year-old. So I told her to start acting like a normal stepmother instead of an evil stepmother. Then someone else said I was jealous cause I wanted to be in my pajamas but that wasn't it at all. I wanted everyone to be the same. Everyone needed to be the same. Why couldn't she just get dressed? I like how Sarah can act like a raging miscreant and her mother excuses her because of her ADHD but when my mental illness rears its ugly head it's just me being immature. I hated Christmas 2006 and this is why I hate holidays. When I got home I wrote "Get Dressed" on lots of post-it notes and stuck them all over the house. It was the worst Christmas I've ever had.

Where did Ryan sleep last night?

2006-12-23T10:43:00.000-08:00

Last night was the TNOF Christmas Exchange Party. It was a rocking good time. Jackie, Beckie and I drove out to Julon's together in Jackie's new car. On our way to pick up Beckie, Jackie had to stop and gas up her car. I was trying to turn on the radio while she was gassing up the car and I could not figure out how to turn on the frickin' radio. There were so many buttons and options and it was making my brain hurt. Jackie got back in and I told her how I wanted the radio on and she turns this knob and was like, "Here ya go, the volume was way down." The actual gift exchange was fun, there were lots of cool gifts. I got "Matrix Revolutions" from John of Julon which is great cause I've been wanting to build up my DVD collection. I like to watch DVDs of movies cause I can put them in French. Dan got Fact or Crap the boardgame and I wanted to play it so I opened it up while he was outside smoking. Then I got out all the pieces and left it on the floor cause I grew tired of reading the directions. Then I went home with Jackie and sans Beckie. But I don't mean that I went home with Jackie like I went home with Jackie. She just drove me to my car. And then I went to my own home. I tried to get her to make out with me in the car on the drive back but she was all, "Jessica, jeez! I'm driving! Stop groping me!" I tried to explain that she brings it upon herself with that smokin' hot bod. But since I couldn't get Jackie to give me any lovin' I just started to lick the window glass whenever a guy in pickup truck drove by. Good times.

Patent Pending

2006-12-20T19:45:00.000-08:00

You want to know one thing I hate about periods? Well, you're gonna know if you keep reading this post. I hate how you have to put in a new tampon every 4-6 hours. I wish that you could just put in a super tampon at the beginning and then take it out three days later filled with your menstrual blood. Isn't that a pretty picture? Yeah, that does sound kindof gross. Oh! Maybe they could have a 24 hour tampon! That way you just have to put a new one in every morning. Genius! I should be an inventor.

Dying to be Thin

2006-12-18T15:58:00.000-08:00

Guinevere threw up again. So I yelled at her, "Dammit, Gwennie! All you're good for anymore is throwing up and being cute! Stop puking all the time!" I think it's time for someone to go and see the V-E-T.

Been Kissed A Lot

2006-12-17T17:15:00.000-08:00

I just watched the last half hour of "Never Been Kissed" on TV. I love that last scene where Drew Barrymore's character is waiting out on the pitcher's mound and Michael Vartan runs out and grabs her and kisses her. It's so romantic. And it helps that Michael Vartan is so very cute and debonair. It makes me yearn for that first kiss experience you have when you start a new relationship. It also makes me yearn to kiss Michael Vartan. I like the more spontaneous kisses, rather than the expected kiss at the end of the night. And I like how you get butterflies in your stomach when you're at the start of a new relationship. That's what I'd like for Christmas.

The Price of Cleanliness

2006-12-13T09:27:00.000-08:00

Guinevere just coughed up a hairball on my bedroom floor. Luckily I heard her getting ready and threw a towel under the likely destination site. It wasn't as bad as the last time she coughed up a hairball which I should tell you about. Gwennie has been sleeping in my bed for the last month or so. She's a long-hair cat which does make her super-cute but also causes her to cough up hairballs every week. I like having her sleep in my bed cause I figure it means she loves me the best of all. Anyways, last week I was woken up around 2am by Guinevere getting ready to cough up something and she was right next to me in the bed. Since I had just been woken up from a deep sleep I was slow to figure out what was going on and slow to respond appropiately. She puked up her hairball on the edge of the bed. Luckily it was on her side of the bed so I cleaned it up as best I could in the middle of the night and threw a towel over the stain. Then I went back to sleep. Gwennie ended up sleeping on the towel. I tried to tell her that it was covering her hairball puke stain but she seemed quite content to lie there. She's currently lying next to my computer and if she coughs up a hairball on my mouse I'm going to be perturbed. I don't care how frickin' adorable she is.

Thoughts of an 8 year-old

2006-12-11T14:01:00.001-08:00

I didn't get a subbing job today. So I've been doing laundry and cleaning my room. I'm even thinking about washing all the floors. I almost forgot, I also did the dishes. My mother is in Florida on business this week which is why I'm doing all this cleaning. I don't like to do it when she's around cause then she thinks I'm being all helpful and considerate. I don't like to be thought of as helpful and considerate. Especially by my mother.

I babysat my little sister this past Saturday. While we were sitting at the table eating our pizza dinner I got annoyed by the silence so I decided to ask her some questions. First I asked about her thoughts on the Irag war. She replied, "George Bush is a very stupid man. He never should have started that war and now he's made a huge mistake." I was impressed so I decided to ask her about her thoughts on gay marriage. First she said that she didn't know what it meant but then said she knew what it was to be gay. So I asked her to tell me and she goes, "It's when a guy likes girl stuff. Like if a guys likes dolls and wearing dresses and stuff like that then he's gay."

Raffi never does this

2006-11-30T09:05:00.000-08:00

The comic strip Get Fuzzy has been fabulous this past week. Bucky keeps doing the "I'm watching you" motion with his cute little paw and it's hilarious! I love Bucky Katt.

Birthday Weekend part II, Fashionably Late in True Wixom Vixen Style

2006-11-27T14:09:00.000-08:00

My good friend Ryan pointed out that I never finished telling about my birthday weekend and I always oblige my good friend Ryan. Where did I leave off?

Ah yes, Buttercup did not love Prince Humperdink, the only joy she got was in her daily rides. Oops, that's The Princess Bride and not The Birthday Princess. My apologies. Saturday night, which was November 11 the day before my actual birthday, I went out with Jackie, Sarah, Beckie, and Jackie's cousin whose name escapes me at the moment. Mark? Scott? Liam? Anyhoo, we went to some place in Dearborn. Well, first we met Beckie at Tess' place in Southgate cause she was dogsitting there. There was no ice at Tess' place. Sarah and I searched and searched for ice to no avail. We concluded that Tess doesn't believe in ice which was upsetting to Sarah and I cause we love ice. We love it in the morning. We love it in the evening. We love it all the day long. The club/bar we went to was decent. The gals paid for me to get in and bought me some drinks. We got food afterwards and I didn't get home till 4am. I had to teach Sunday School the next morning and I was not a pleasant person when that alarm went off. I kept muttering to myself, "I'm too old for this shit."

Later on that day of Sunday, November 12 (my actual birthday) we had the usual Family Dinner but it was all about me. Joeboo cooked steak and made cheesy potatoes cause I love them so. Then we had birthday cake for dessert. After I blew out the candles my little sister plucked them out of the cake and started licking off the frosting. I looked at her and was like, "Hey! What if I wanted to lick MY own birthday candles?! You could have asked me before just taking them, brat!" She just looked at me and was like, "Sorry." But she totally wasn't sorry at all. I can't wait till her birthday when I can grab her candles and lick all of HER frosting off. My niece tried to offer me her candle that she had already been licking but I politely declined. Then I got presents. My brother, Sil, and niece got me a new cross pendant. It's very pretty, it has purple gemstones. My father bought me a black pearl necklace which is gorgeous. My mother got me a bracelet and a feather bed. My little sister got me slippers that she felt looked "goth". She told me she thought I would like them since as she always reminds me, "I like dead things, and skeletons and evil stuff like that." She's so good to me.

That was my birthday weekend. Oh, and for the first time in like 15 years it didn't rain at all on my birthday.

Bless me Father, for I have Sinned

2006-11-27T06:33:00.000-08:00

I lied. Now I'm racked with guilt over it. I agreed to do something that I didn't really want to do and then decided that I couldn't do it and so I lied to get out of it. My insides are churning with the distaste of my horrible deed. They say confession is good for the soul so I'm confessing to you, my brothers and my sisters. I ask for understanding and forgiveness.

I'm afraid that this is going to come back and kick me in the ass. Karma. She's a bitch.

Astonished, Bowled Over, and Floored

2006-11-13T14:22:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if this post will work out cause it's all weird looking on the screen. I had a very action-packed birthday weekend. On Friday night Julie took me out to dinner and we went to Wave's which was fabulous cause I love seafood and I got this scrumptious crab-stuffed trout dish. Then we went to the mall to try and catch a movie but none of the starting times were acceptable to us. So we walked around the mall and checked out some stores. Then Kristen called me on our way back to GP and asked me to stop at her house and pick up something. I have a set of keys to her place while she's staying at her mother's. Well, it turns out that Kristen had been planning a surprise party for my birthday for weeks. I was thoroughly surprised. Actually I think I would have to say that I was beyond surprised. What's a word for that? Flabbergasted? Anyhoo, I jumped back and let out a little yelp when I unlocked the door and was presented with a chorus of "Surprise!". I then proceeded to have a splendid time with my friends and stuffed my face with many of my favorite dishes. My friends were real troopers too cause Julie and I got stuck in an awful traffic jam on the way to GP and I was told that they were all sitting in the dark waiting for me to arrive for over a half hour. Aren't they the best? I love them to pieces. But not literally cause that would make me a serial killer and then they couldn't buy me gifts for future birthdays. There was more action on Saturday and Sunday but that will have be in a Part II post cause I don't like to write too much in one post. I bet you're dying of antici...pation.

Yummy in my Tummy

2006-11-08T14:23:00.000-08:00

I'm so ordering pizza for dinner tonight. Mother is out of town so I don't have to listen to her saying how it's bad for me. Calories, schmalories. It's good eatin'! Mmmmmm, pizza. I can barely contain my excitement at the thought of eating pizza. I feel like doing cartwheels!

I didn't get called for a subbing job again today. It's nice not having to work cause I can play The Sims and visit Kristen but it doesn't help me pay my bills. My automobills. Ha! I'm very giggly today. I think it's the anitbiotics. I was in CVS today and just started smiling and giggling to myself. One of the stockpeople gave me a strange look. So I was like, "I love this store and its wonderful array of items." Then I bought a toothbrush.

What You Love About Me

2006-11-07T10:07:00.000-08:00

I had my girlie exam today. Yay for womanhood! You know, where they open you up with a speculum and then scrape the inside of your uterus. Ah, good times. And since I love sharing personal information with friends and strangers alike, I'm going to share the details of my exam. Now, I go to Planned Parenthood since I don't have health insurance so the deed is actually performed by a nurse practitioner. Her name was Sheryl. She was very pleasant and amicable. As she was doing the breast exam she asked what I did for a living. So as I was laying there with my arm above my head I told her how I had just recently gotten my teaching certificate but didn't have a full-time job so I'm currently subbing. She responded by continuing to knead my breasts but she looked very excited. I've seen people look excited before when viewing my boobs but usually it's cause they're so velvety soft and luscious not cause I just said I got my teaching certificate. When it came to the speculum part she kept having to adjust the thing and it didn't hurt but it wasn't exactly pleasant. Finally she got it and she goes, "Sorry about that. You have a long vagina." How does one respond to that? I thought about cracking a joke and going, "Ha! That's what my last boyfriend said too!" Or being serious and contemplative and saying, "I've always suspected as much." I settled for a simple, "Ah." Anyhoo, that was my exam. Now I have more birth control so I can go out and have wild sex with abandon! (joking, guys. don't start calling me)

Now I'm off to vote. I always think it's beneficial to have your uterus scraped before choosing which candidate to vote for.

Miss Popularity

2006-10-31T08:20:00.000-08:00

Today is Halloween. My mother and I are not handing out candy. We got annoyed with handing out candy every year to Detroit teenagers arriving in GP by the carload and not even wearing costumes. It wouldn't be so bad if they were at least making an effort to wear a costume and were young children but these are high school teenagers sans costume, who are taller than my mother and I mind you, coming around and asking for candy. That's pathetic and shameful. So we don't do it anymore. They also cause a HUGE hazard for all the Grosse Pointe children who are actually at an appropriate age to trick or treat and are wearing costumes by filling the streets up with moving cars.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I agreed to help two different people pass out candy tonight. Oops. But I can't remember if I commited to doing it or if it was more of a "yeah, maybe I'll stop by" thing. I'm just stunned that there are two people who want to hang out with me. Near candy.

I'm hoping that maybe someday I'll start feeling well again. I won't have to wake up and take 2 Advil and then take a couple of Tylenol 2 hours later and keep doing that for the rest of the day so my head doesn't feel like it's going to explode. I'm thinking that the numerous doses of aceteminaphine and ibuprofen will eventually take a toll on some vital organ of mine. I'm aiming for Thanksgiving for feeling better. Of course maybe if I damage my liver with all the ibuprofen then I won't notice the daily massive headache. And I'm also keeping the tea industry in business with the 5 cups a day to relieve my sore throat.

...and a Bouquet of Dead Flowers Completes the Ensemble

2006-10-29T17:18:00.000-08:00

I went to the Emerald last night for their Halloween shindig with Jackie and Beckie. I was dressed up as the Bride of Satan. I figured it was a good choice for a Sunday School Catechist. I don't really enjoy dressing up though. It's too much frickin' work for not a lot of frickin' reward. My mother tried to blind me with fake eyelash glue while I was getting ready. The first pair of tights I put on cut off the circulation in my legs. Damn control top tights. Who thought that was a good idea? The merrywidow I was wearing was great for showing off my hourglass figure but achieved this look by causing me mucho pain from the boning cutting into my sides. After a few drinks the pain was almost nonexistent. Beckie and Jackie seemed to be impressed with my costume so I guess the annoyance of putting it all together was somewhat worth it. And I was so crabby while I was getting ready that my mother starting shoving money in my hands and told me to go and have a good time.

There were a few signs last night that we're getting too old for the club scene. I think the big one was the fact that we wanted to arrive early so we could get a good parking spot.

I Feel Like Crap

2006-10-26T06:35:00.000-07:00

I'm home sick today. So they have a sub at the HS covering for a sub. There was a bit of snafoo this morning with the whole situation. If a teacher needs a sub the school has a system that they call into with their access code to request one. But I'm just a long-term sub so I don't have an access code. So last night when I could barely lift my head and was advised by my physician (also known as Kristen) to take 1 if not 2 days off of work, I had no idea who I was supposed to call or what I was supposed to do to get a sub for myself, the long-term sub. I consulted a teacher who I'm also friends with and she suggested calling the "lady who handles subs at the high school". I call the number she gives me (supposedly a home number) and get voicemail so I leave a message explaining my situation. I don't get a call back before I go to bed. So I had to get up this morning and drive out to the high school. On the way I call the main office at the HS to talk with this woman and she's not in and another woman is like "You should have called the sub coordinator at the board office." I tell her that I'm on my way and so she says they'll get someone to come in and take over for me. Anyhoo, a sub came in about halfway through 1st hour and I went home. Now I'm worried that I'm going to look unprofessional cause they had to scramble to get someone to cover me. But perhaps they could have advised me when I started what I needed to do in case I had to take a day off. Subs get sick too, you know. I'm trying not to stress about it but I ran out of my medication over a week ago and without it I worry endlessly over things like this and make my gastritus act up.

Gastritus: inflammation of the stomach

Little Johnny Needs to Learn the Proper Use of a Pencil

2006-10-22T14:44:00.000-07:00

We had parent/teacher conferences this past week. It was exhausting. Especially since they went until 8pm and then I had to drive back to Grosse Pointe. It looks like my long-term subbing position will be ending the end of this month. Happy Halloween!

Family Outing

2006-10-15T17:13:00.000-07:00

Instead of our usual Family Dinner this Sunday, my family went to an apple orchard in Armada. It was stupid. We didn't even get cider and donuts cause supposedly there was a long line that my father, stepmother, and annoying family friend weren't willing to wait in while the other adults (in which I was included) followed around my little sister and niece. I was very bored and irritated for most of the day. Plus I had to listen to my little sister's stupid CD on the car ride. More annoyance. But occasionally we would have a break from the grating music when my little sister and niece would scream at each for five minutes.

Another Day, Another Dollar

2006-10-14T10:41:00.000-07:00

My birthday is coming up next month. I have no desire to celebrate it. I used to make a list of things that I want and would distribute the list to my family and friends. Then several years ago when I was living with my Father and Stepmother I made one and posted it on the refrigerator. Later that evening I overheard my father telling my stepmother that I don't deserve anything on the list. So I don't make one anymore. There's not much to celebrate anyways.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

2006-10-03T15:58:00.001-07:00

I got my hair cut today. It's basically a chin-length bob. I was talking to my family about it at Family Dinner on Sunday and I had one of those hairstyle magazines to look through with everyone. When I said that I was looking at going much shorter than my usual style our family friend Dave said, "Jessica, guys like girls with long hair not short hair." So I laughed and kept looking at the magazine. Then he said it 6 more times. Seriously. He just kept telling me that guys don't like short hair they like long hair. Now the guy was just dumped by his fiancée last week so I was trying to be nice. But finally I had had enough was like, "Well, Dave, I don't really give a rat's ass what kind of hair guys like on girls. If some guy doesn't like my hair short then he's more than welcome to go and find a long haired girl. Good riddance to him." I was so frickin' annoyed with him. I mean, it was like he thought all my decisions should be based on what will please a guy. Are you fucking kidding me? And after I finally gave my reply he started bitching about "darn stubborn women." Yeah, God forbid a woman should do something to please herself and not a man. I think I now have a better idea of why he got dumped.

Like a moth to a flame

2006-09-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I'm driving on the freeway those cement walls in the middle call out to me. They say things like, "Jessica, drive into us. Right now. Just do it. Just turn your wheel to the left sharply. Come on, you know you want to." And it seems like such a reasonable request. Why should I not comply?

Ha! Now you know my dirty little secret. I'm fucked up in the head! And...cue the showtunes.

PSA: Winter is right around the corner

2006-09-28T12:33:00.000-07:00

Too many people have this perception that people with clinical depression are “just whining” or “just want attention” or “drama queens” or “manipulative,” ..

Always take a suicide threat seriously and never keep it a secret!

You must never call a person's bluff, or try to minimize his problems by telling him he has everything to live for or how hurt his family would be. This will only increase his guilt and feelings of hopelessness. He needs to be reassured that there is help, that what he is feeling is treatable, and that his suicidal feelings are temporary.

MYTHS ABOUT SUICIDE
· People who talk about suicide are just venting. They won’t do it.
Not True
Almost everyone who commits suicide has given a warning. No matter how casual the “joke” it is important not to ignore a suicide threat.

· People who talk about suicide are being manipulative and you shouldn’t play in to it.
Not True
There is a half-truth that when people talk about dying they want some way out but they don’t believe they can get it or know how. Take all suicidal comments seriously and ask questions.

· Anyone who is thinking of killing her/himself must be crazy.
Not True
Most people have some thoughts about wanting to die at one time or another in their life. People who want to die are under extreme stress or are depressed. Depression is treatable.

· People who commit suicide are unwilling to seek help.
Not True
It is common that people who are thinking about suicide have sought help within six months of their death. If they have, it is important for you to find out what happened, why it didn’t help and to let the suicidal person know that it is very possible to recover from depression.

· Nothing is going to stop someone who wants to die.
Not True
People who are thinking about suicide often have very mixed feelings. Often times they don’t want death but to stop pain.

Bambi's Mom Tastes Yummy

2006-09-17T18:33:00.000-07:00

We had venison at family dinner tonight. When I went into the bathroom I saw footprints on the wall. I thought to myself, "Hmmmm...someone's trying to escape."

Why do you make me hit you?

2006-09-07T18:25:00.000-07:00

I think I need to look at giving up Raffi. I just can't take his drama anymore. He's constantly stalking and attacking the other cats in the neighborhood. Last night one of the neighbors rang our doorbell at 9:30 and then stood on our porch and yelled at me about Raffi. Then he made this stupid threat about sueing me for damages if Raffi hurts him or his cats or kids. I'm not really worried about him suing me since there aren't any laws about cats but I don't want my neighbors hating me. And I don't want them yelling at me about my cat every night. And if you try to keep Raffi inside then he just whines for hours on end. Half the time he's so cute and sweet but the ofther half he's a demon spawn cat. I don't know what to do. I really love him but he's driving me to drink.

Silly Bird, Frozen Yogurt is for People

2006-09-04T12:40:00.000-07:00

The other day I went to TCBY with Kristen. TCBY is one of Kristen and mine's favorite places to go. The employees at the one in the Village recognize Kristen by face and are starting to recognize me. But this time we were at the one on Mack near Parcell's Middle School. We were sitting at the table by the front window enjoying our tasty Shivers when this bird flew smack into the window right in front of us. It was bizarre. He fell to the ground and then kind of half-hobbled/half-flew away. Poor guy. He must really like TCBY too. I think I might fly into a window if I couldn't have TCBY so I can totally relate.

Special Talents

2006-08-30T20:22:00.000-07:00

I always find it amusing that there seem to be a plethora of pictures involving Beckie putting others in a headlock. One time when Beckie and I were partying in Dallas she put me in a headlock. I happened to be wearing a pair of her earrings at the time and when she put me in the headlock one of the earrings was dislodged and lost. Ha! Who's laughing now?! That's what I said the next morning when we were coherent enough to realize that an earring was missing. And Beckie was all, "Whatever. I had you in an unbreakable headlock. I win." Beckie's always right. Dagnammit!

Door #1 or Door #2

2006-08-29T13:06:00.000-07:00

I'm sure that most of you are somewhat familiar with that show on MTV called "The Hills". I happened to catch a couple of episodes when it was on cause there was nothing else to watch. The girls in it seemed very vapid and way too concerned with where the next party was at. I remember seeing commercials for the finale where the main chick had to choose between her boyfriend and an internship in Paris. Her boyfriend was marginally cute and annoying. I didn't see the finale but I was just reading in the most recent Entertainment Weekly that she chose her boyfriend over Paris and then they broke up! So I feel that I need to make PSA for for girls who find themselves in these situations. Boys lie! They're chock full of lies. They say that they'll call you, they say they "love you", they tell you that you don't look fat in that dress. LIES! All lies! So please, for the love of all that is holy; CHOOSE PARIS!

You'd think I wouldn't even have to say anything. It's Paris for fuck's sake.

Woe is me

2006-08-28T14:12:00.000-07:00

I'm sick. I don't know if it's something I ate, a bug or karma but it sucks. I can't keep anything down. I'm miserable.

Protector of Our Domain

2006-08-25T09:02:00.001-07:00

Ever since that neighbor gave my mom crap about Raffi attacking him and his cats we've been keeping him inside at night. It's really annoying cause around 10pm Raffi will sit by the front door and whine to go outside for 20-30 minutes. Raffi has one of the most horrendous whines. Well, my mother let him out at around 8pm last night and we forgot to bring him back inside before going to bed. So we were both woken up around 2am by the sound of Raffi attacking some cat or the bogeyman or whatever. I had to go out onto the front porch and I saw Raffi at the edge of the lawn with his tail all puffy but I didn't see whatever he was caterwauling at. Once he saw me his face lit up and he was like, "Mommy, there you are!". He came trotting over looking all happy and excited and I think he was expecting me to reward him or something. I was annoyed at being woken up so I opened the door and grumbled, "Get inside, dingbat." I promptly went back to bed. He's currently lying at my feet and looking all innocent and cute. Raffi, Raffi, Raffi. What am I going to do with you?

Working Girl

2006-08-23T20:31:00.001-07:00

My adoring fans, you are now looking at the Long-Term Substitute French Teacher for Royal Oak High School! That's right! I have a job! Okay, it's not a full-year contract like I wanted but it's a job! The chick (some might refer to her as the full-time French Teacher) is going on maternity leave so I'll be there for 8-12 weeks. I'll be like the real teacher! Tomorrow I'm going to start sharpening the 360 pencils that I've been gradually buying for amazing discounts over the summer. If you see any other discounts on pencils let me know. Anyways, if I already have them sharpened then I don't have to worry about students interrupting class time to sharpen them. Ha! You see that? I'm already thinking about how to run my classroom like a well-oiled machine! Boo-yah! And I got a really cute pencil holder at the $1 secton in Target the other day! Woooooooo!!! School is fun! WEeeeeeee!!!

** Added after original posting**
So, a good part of being employed will be knowing what the day is. I completely forgot that today was Wednesday and I missed the new Project Runway! Quelle horreur!

The Price We Pay

2006-08-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention the shoes I wore to the Daughter's wedding. They were hot looking. They gave me blisters but it was so worth it cause my feet looked awesome in my super-hot shoes. Maybe I'll take a picture in them to recreate the hotness for you to see.

Wedding Bells

2006-08-20T12:36:00.000-07:00

The Daughter's wedding was Friday. I did end up buying a new dress, it was a chocolate brown number and I actually got many compliments on it. The ceremony was a lovely traditional Catholic wedding. One of the interesting things about those weddings is that the kiss is in the middle of the ceremony. You know when the priest says, "You may now kiss the bride", in a traditional Catholic ceremony that happens before Communion so you still have half the ceremony left. It's nothing at all like in the movies where the bride and groom kiss and then everyone claps and cheers and they skip down the aisle and make a beeline for their limo so they can have sex for the first time. The Daughter and her Groom had quite a kiss though. It went on for a long time and everyone started looking around at each other like, "Do you think they're going to stop or come up for air anytime soon?" At the reception I had to go up with all the single chicks for the throwing of the bouquet. One of the Daughter's cousins and I were standing at the far edge of the circle of single ladies hoping to miss the bouquet but I was later informed that the Daughter was subtly checking out where we were standing and purposely threw it in our direction. I held my hands out more to dodge the thing than to catch it and I guess it hit my hands and went directly to the cousin. She let if fall to the floor and refused to pick it up. Eventually somebody picked it up and gave it to another cousin who's getting married in September. I got back to my seat and remarked to all those who had insisted I go up, "Whew. That was close."

Losing Control

2006-08-14T19:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish that I could just catch a break. I tried on my dress for the Daughter's wedding tonight and I didn't like it at all. The wedding is Friday. This is the dress that I ordered a month ago and tried it on when it arrived and thought was perfect. I bought jewelry and shoes to go with it. My nails are painted pink to go with the jewelry, it was going to be a sage(dress)/pink(jewelry) color theme. And I bought a sash to tie around my waist. I was so excited about how I was going to look really put together. And now I hate how it looks on me. So I've been looking online for the last hour for a different dress. I'm planning on going shopping tomorrow to see if I find anything. I'm reminded of the dress that I tried on at Marshall Field's a few weeks which was absolutely stunning and looked great on me. It was also $120 which is why I was sticking with the sage dress. I asked my mom if she thought I was being ridiculous and she said, "Honey, I could tell that you weren't happy with it when you put it on t0night. If you're not happy with how you look then you won't have a good time and you'll be miserable at the wedding. Get a different dress and I'll help you pay for it." Yeah, this is the woman that is so cruel and abusive my brother and sister-in-law can't stand spending time with her. She bends over backwards to make her children happy. What a terrible mother. (sarcasm)

I've been really down all day, even before I tried on the dress and realized that I was completely unhappy with it. I haven't gotten a call about the French teacher position I applied for. Raffi attacked one of our neighbors this past weekend and he was bitching to my mom about the cat and mentioned the word "sue". He said that Raffi's been fighting with his two cats. I was really snippy at Family Dinner last night and not just from my irritation with certain family members. i'm worried that I'm entering one of my angry/depressive episodes and I don't want to be in one for the wedding. Sometimes they'll last a couple days and sometimes it'll be a couple weeks. So yeah, I just want to catch a break. I want one thing at the least to work out for me.

Dynamics

2006-08-14T00:53:00.000-07:00

I saw my brother and Sil yesterday. They hosted Family Dinner at the park but it was more than just the family. It was Sil's friends and their families too. Which would have been fine except that Sil invited a friend who has previously lambasted our family, had a coke problem, and is at war with Joeboo. I strongly dislike Sil. I'm tempted to say that I hate her but hate is a strong word. I don't think she has any goodness in her. I feel that everyone has varying levels of goodness in them but not her. I don't think she's evil but she's just not a good, decent person. She's manipulative, venomous, selfish, and coldhearted. At one point my niece was lost in the park and we had about 10 people looking for her throughout the park. There was a part of me that was glad Sil had to suffer through it and think about what a bad mother she is. My niece was eventually found by herself in the adult swimming pool. I heard that my brother just started wailing on her when they found her. I was really angry when I left dinner. My brother and Sil seem to have that effect on me.

Impersonal Expressions

2006-08-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

I didn't go to the park today. I set my alarm early (as in 9:30 am) so I would be all ready to go right after Guiding Light but the thought of going to the park seemed so like much work and such an effort. And I really didn't feel like listening to the conversations of the high school girls around me. So I've been studying the subjunctive today instead. I really need to brush up on my subjunctive. I hate the subjunctive though, it seems so haphazard half the time.

I was just watching the news on channel 4 and one of the weather guys was at a BBQ in Eastpointe. I wonder how close he is to Sarah and Jackie's place. I'm dogsitting Max this weekend.

True Colors

2006-08-09T15:37:00.000-07:00

I went to the park today and lounged by the pool for a few hours. I have a wedding to go to next week and I'm trying to get some color. But all that seems to happen is I burn in odd places and my face gets more freckly. I saw a family friend while I was at the park and when I told her I was there tanning she laughed hysterically for like five minutes. Then she left me with these supposedly "wise" words of advice, "Pale skin is beautiful." Yeah, if you're Nicole Kidman then pale skin is beautiful. On me it just makes me look pasty.

I'm going back on Friday cause it's supposed to be mostly sunny.

Weekend

2006-08-07T11:55:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I was at the cottage in Wiarton, Canadia. It was a good time. On Saturday I think that I only had 1 non-alcoholic beverage the whole day. I started off with Mimosas, then had some mixed drinks and then drank lots and lots of beer. I had it in my head that we needed to drink it all so there wouldn't be any leftover to take home. I can only seem to remember little tidbits of Saturday after dinner. Too much drinky-drink for the Wixom Vixen. On Saturday afternoon we went to the beach and played The Whirlpool Game in the water. It was a wicked fun time. Poor Beckie kept getting flung out and carried out to sea. The drive home on Sunday took entirely too long. It didn't help that I made Tess pull the car over to the side of the ride twice so I could throw up into wild grass. Good times.

Poor Little Rich Girl

2006-08-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

I hate my internet service. It's dial-up and it's SUPER slow. Like I think it's slower than normal dial-up. It takes about five minutes for pages to load and it always takes me half an hour to check email. Not cause I have so many messages but cause each message takes 2-3 minutes to come up. It makes me want to cry. Let me list some other things that I don't have:'

digital camera
central air
ipod or MP3 player
car w/CD player
dishwasher
sane brother
supportive father
clothes that fit

For Me? You shouldn't have!

2006-08-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

One of the cats puked in the dining room. Luckily I didn't step in it this morning when I stumbled to the living room to watch the end of Guiding Light after waking up at 10:34. It's nice not having a job. I get to sleep in everyday and yesterday I spent the afternoon at the park lounging by the pool. And then the bills start to pile up and the debt gets higher and it's not so fun anymore. Anyways, I usually leave the puke for my mother to clean cause it's pretty much always Gwennie who's left it but my mother is in Cleveland until Friday. I did consider leaving it until Friday especially since I'll be at the cottage when she gets home so I won't be there for her to yell at me about not cleaning it up but I don't know if I can live with it that long. And it might start to smell in this horrendous heat wave we're experiencing. We don't have AC at my mother's. So it seems that I'm going to have to bite the bullet and clean the stuff up. Jeez, the things I do for that woman.

Plaintiff's Exhibit #1

2006-07-30T17:19:00.000-07:00

This is the picture of Jackie and me form the bachelorette party which I discussed in a previous post. If you look at the bottom of the photo you can see my thumb and you can see how Jackie's right boob is pushed up. Thus proving that I was grabbing her boob for the photo AND sticking out my tonque. I mean, why would I stick out my tongue like that if there wasn't boobie-grabbing going on?

Le sort en est jeté

2006-07-29T10:18:00.000-07:00

Aujourd'hui je fais la vaiselle. Hier soir j'ai regardé la télé avec ma mère. Ce soir je garde ma petite soeur. Ma vie est pitoyable.

Tous les jours je pratique mon français pour me préparer chercher un emploi comme un prof de la langue française. Peut-être je devrais pratiquer l'allemand aussi. Mais le français est mon premier amour.

Il fait très chaud aujourd'hui. L'humidité est insupportable. Je déteste la chaleur.

A Woman's Prerogative

2006-07-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

I'm at home right now. Yup, that's right. I'm sitting in front of my computer at 11:30pm on a Friday night. The TNOFer's went to the Necto tonight in Ann Arbor. I was seriously considering going at the beginning of this day but when this evening rolled around I was feeling very lazy and apathetic. And I didn't get the email about the meeting-up arrangements until late in the game. The idea of sitting in front to the TV all night with my Mother seemed like a splendid notion. Now I'm regretting my laziness. I should have given myself a mental kick in the ass and high-tailed it over to the meeting spot.

I also could have gone and hung out with Saucy Sarita tonight but I was worried about driving after having downed a few beers and so I remained at home. Two missed opportunities. I'm pathetic. And sweaty cause it's really humid.

Show Me Wantonness

2006-07-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

I got an email tonight with a link to view pictures from the bachelorette party. They were pretty entertaining. There was one taken in the limo from when Jackie crawled onto my lap when we were on our way to Pontiac. I was in the back by the window and she had been on the floor and I think she decided that she wanted to stick her head out the window. When the picture was taken I was grabbing her right boob and sticking my tongue out in a provacative manner but unfortunately my boobie-grabbing was cut off so it's just me with my head on her shoulder and my tongue sticking out in the actual picture. It's not as good as the original thought for the picture which is disappointing but I guess still entertaining.

Ah, what a fun night. I just wish I could remember more of the middle part.

No Tattoos

2006-07-24T12:23:00.000-07:00

I went to a bachlorette party on Saturday. We went to the clubs in Pontiac in a limo. I drank too much. On Sunday morning I kept asking myself, "Did I piss anyone off last night? Why do I remember a group of guys offering me $40 to get into their limo?"

J'aurais pu dansé toute la nuit, ou: Merci Beaucoup pour la Musique, Mon Ami

2006-07-20T08:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the postman brought me a package. It wasn't a very big package but the contents inside made me giggle like a school girl. It was the CD that Gideon made me with my music requests. Plus a bonus CD of random songs that he burned. When I first started listening to the first CD I kept thinking to myself, "Wow! I love all these songs! What a great CD." Then I remembered that I had requested the songs and so of course I would like them. I'm a little forgetful sometimes. I had asked for "Break My Stride" which I think is by Matthew Wilder and Gideon put on this really cool poppier version with some chick and a guy who pipes in occasionally to add some hip-hop flava. And right after that was "Modern Love" which is also fun and poppy. Anyways, I kept playing those two songs over and over and turning the volume up and dancing around in my room. I felt like a teenager back in high school. Then my mother called from the other room to turn the music down. So I screamed back at her, "Stop ruining my life! I hate you!" Then I felt bad so I went out to the living room and told her that I didn't really hate her, I was just reliving the experience of being a teenager in high school. And she replied, "Of course, Darling. I figured that's what you were doing."

Some Material May Be Inappropriate for Hypocrites

2006-07-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

When I was driving to Windmill Pointe Park last night for the Tuesday night picnic I noticed a helicopter circling the area. As I parked my car I noticed another one that was also circling the area. So of course at the picnic everybody was talking about the helicopters and it turns out that someone had driven their car into the canal right at the border of Grosse Pointe Park and Detroit. One of the kids was like, "He must have been a criminal who was trying to get away from the police. That's the only reasonable explanation that he would drive his car into the canal." And I was like, "Well unless he was unhappy with his life and-" that's as far as I got before all the overprotective mothers started yelling at me to shut my mouth. They're like, "Jessica! You don't say that to a 7 year-old!" Whatever. I think they're being ridiculous. My family told my little sister about cement boots when she was 6 years-old and she's better for it. People really need to stop coddling their children. And I would bet money that he has some video game which involves shooting people and that's perfectly acceptable but talk about someone shooting themselves and suddenly it's inappropriate for a young child. Puh-lease.

Please Give Some of The Good Stuff

2006-07-14T12:59:00.000-07:00

I gave blood on Wednesday this week. Yesterday I was really tired and dragging and so I called my mother (she's a nurse). I asked her if giving blood would have anything to do with being tired and she goes, "Of course it does, darling! You gave away a pint of the good stuff!" I was amused by the fact that she referred to my blood as "the good stuff". It gave me an image of ordering a drink at a restaurant. The waiter comes up and is all,

waiter: Good Evening, ma'am. Can I start you off with something to drink?
Trish the Dish: Oh, that would be lovely. Give me some of the good stuff.
Waiter: Of course, our house special this evening is a delicious O- but we also have a lovely B+ Reserve.
Trish the Dish: I simply love those B's. I'll take a glass of the B+ Reserve.
Waiter: Excellent.

The second part of this post is a plea to all my readers to give blood if possible. We are at dangerously low levels. Just think if you or someone you loved were in an accident and needed blood. It only takes an hour of your time and if you go to Red Cross you can get free passes to certain events like Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle or the Renaissance Festival. I'll even go with you and hold your hand if you want. For those who are in Southeast Michigan I'm giving the link to the Red Cross site where you can find a location near you and make an appointment.

American Red Cross Southeastern Michigan

Keep the Line Free for Actual Emergencies

2006-07-11T11:11:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to get back into exercising. I was doing good for a couple months back in April and May and then June hit and it went out the window. I like taking walks cause it forces me to actually get 30 or more minutes of activity. If I put in a workout video or use some piece of equipment at home then I stop after 10 minutes and am like, "Whew. This is hard. I'm spent." But if I take a walk then I have to walk back to my house. I can't just give up and collapse on the couch. I have to walk 10 blocks to even get to said couch. Of course I could always flag down one of the many cops I see while walking and tell them that I got a horrible cramp and need a ride home. It's not like Grosse Pointe cops have anything better to do. I usually see 3 or 4 patrol cars on my walks. This morning I only saw one though. There must have been a cat stuck in a tree somewhere in GPP. It was probably that dingy yellow cat of batty old Mrs. Nesbit on Berkshire.

Easily Swayed

2006-07-06T10:27:00.000-07:00

If you've read Sarah's blog then you got the basic rundown of our camping experience. I think one of the highlights for me was swimming naked in Lake Huron. It was Saturday night. Ryan and I had left the campsite around 10 or 10:30 or whenever to take a walk. We went down to the beach and sat on the sand and talked for a awhile. Then we headed back to the campsite around 12:30. When we got back everyone had gone to bed except Jimmy (Jacque's boyfriend's brother who we had just met that day). So Ryan and I start asking in loud drunken voices, "Where is everybody? Why did they go to bed?" When we told Jimmy that we had been at the beach he said that we should all go back and Ryan and I were like, "Okay." When we got to the beach we decided to go swimming. I didn't have my swimsuit on so I went in the lake in my bra and underwear. It was really, really dark but the water felt great. I was so drunk that I would be standing in knee-deep water and a small wave would knock me over and then I would call out to Ryan to save me as the waves kept crashing over me. Then Jimmy kept swimming away from us and we wouldn't be able to find him. After calling out for him with no response our conversation went something like this:

(in oddly calm voices)
Wixom Vixen: Shit. He drowned.
Ryan: This is so bad.
Wixom Vixen: What are we going to tell the others?
Ryan: This is so bad.
WV: Yeah.
(pause)
WV: Oh, I have an idea! I'm going to go completely naked! Wooooooo!!!
(Wixom Vixen runs off to shore to strip off bra and underwear)

Viewing Experience

2006-07-05T21:15:00.001-07:00

My mother is in Columbus tonight. So I rented "The Hills Have Eyes" to watch on the big TV. My mother abhors horror movies and I LOVE them. I usually have to watch them in my room on the small 25" TV instead of the big 32" TV in the living room. It was pretty good. It wasn't really as suspenseful as I thought it would be. Like those moments that freak you out and make you jump out of your seat. It didn't have a lot of those. And the genetic defect people weren't as scary-looking as I was hoping for.

As for my camping experience over the weekend, I'll tell you more about it later but let me just start with the fact that my mother gave me a tent with no poles. I'm planning on milking that for months.

Eat Me

2006-07-04T08:24:00.000-07:00

I hate holidays. I think that I've mentioned that on here before. It's nice to get a day off of work (when you're working that is) and hang out with friends and family and eat, drink and be merry but we shouldn't need an excuse to do that. It's like several times a year people are nice to each other and the other 358 days they're the usual mean bastards. We should be happy everyday that we're alive and healthy. And that we have people in our lives who love us. Unless you don't have anyone who loves you and then you need holidays so someone will love you for a day.

New Territory

2006-06-30T07:52:00.000-07:00

I'm going camping this weekend. I'm really nervous about it. The Wixom Vixen is not really the camping type. I'm much more comfortable sipping a Mimosa while lounging poolside at a 4-star hotel. But Sarah, Jackie, and Ryan are going and I want to spend time with them. So I'm trying to put aside my camping phobias and get excited about this new adventure. There are all these foreign and strange concepts that are involved in camping. We sleep in a tent in sleeping bags (perish the thought). There are bugs which require spraying yourself to repel them. You have to cook all your food. I need "shower shoes". Okay, I'm having trouble breathing so I'm going to start thinking about something else. Like beer. And cheese sticks. And butterflies. Ahh, better now.

Conversation Partner

2006-06-29T11:34:00.001-07:00

I talk to my cats. And not just cutesy baby talk but normal voice talking and conversations. A lot of times when I come home one or both of the cats will be in the driveway wanting to go inside with me. So the other day I pull into the driveway and I see Guinevere as I'm getting out of the car. So I'm like "Do you wanna go inside Sweetie?" But I had to get something out of the other side of the car and I felt the need to explain this to her so I say the following to her, "Okay, just a minute, Gwennie. I have to get something out of the car. Remember that wedding that I went to this past weekend? Well, I wasn't sure which skirt I was going to wear so I brought both and then a couple of different tops and I forgot to take them out of the car earlier. I ended up wearing the black and white one with the flowers. I always get compliments when I wear that one. As for the wedding, it was-" At that point I had closed the car door and was turning to head down the driveway to the side door when I realized there was a person standing in the next door driveway staring at me with this quizzical expression. So I smiled and muttered a little "hi" and headed down the driveway. As I was walking I whispered to Gwennie, "Why didn't you tell me that someone was there?"

Check, 1, 2...Check

2006-06-26T15:28:00.001-07:00

I have a few more songs that I'd like on a CD so I figured I would just repost the list of songs that I would LOVE someone to put on a CD for me. The new songs have asterisks. Okay, great! Thanks!

Forever Young - Alphaville
Beautiful - James Blunt
Cool - Gwen Stefani
Love and Memories - OAR
Alive - Love and Rockets
Hey, Mister - Custom
Creep - Radiohead
All for You - Sister Hazel
Angel Eyes - Jeff Healy Band
Breathe - Anna Nalick
Wonderful - Adam Ant
Alone - Heart
Break My Stride - ?matthew wilder
To Be With You - Mr. Big
Rocket Man - Elton John
Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne
One More Try - Timmy T
*Crazy - Narles Barkley
*Oh, Sherry - Steve Perry
*Modern Love - David Bowie

Any other songs you think I would like

Make Me Some Pancakes

2006-06-21T20:30:00.000-07:00

The beginning of this week was quite action packed for a Monday and Tuesday. Monday night I went to dinner in Mexicantown with Mike, Austin, Julon, and Dan. It was the idea of yours truly but it turns out that I should call people and not just send an email out 2 hours before the event cause people didn't know we were going to dinner until later and missed it. Then we went to the Tap Room. Well, except Austin, Julie, and John went home cause they're lame. Okay, they're not lame just responsible. They kept mentioning this odd concept of "work" and saying they had to get up early. Blah, blah, blah. Good thing I'm not working and instead living a life of leisure. It pays zilch but it's great for partying every night. Anyhoo, we went to the Tap Room after dinner and were joined by Coronado. Then I called Young Catechist and he was just getting off work. So he and his roommate came and joined us at the bar. The boys were playing darts at the Tap Room but we eventually moved to O'Flaherty's where there was pool and I was actually expected to play. I'm so used to the Tap Room set up where the boys play darts and I sit at the table and scan the bar for new victims. It was very disconcerting at first to be expected to join in the activity. I didn't do very well at pool but I had a few awesome shots. It was basically 4 bad shots followed by an amazing shot and then bad shots again. I almost forgot - Mike didn't come to O'Flaherty's. He too started talking about this "work" thing. And the Young Catechist's roommate got mad at one point and left O'Flaherty's in a huff. After we got kicked out of the bar, the group now consisting of me, Dan, Coronado, and Young Catechist walked to Young Catechist's place and hung out in his backyard. Then Dan informed me that he was wasn't able to move and couldn't take me home. So Coronado and I walked back to the Tap Room parking lot to pick up his car and then he drove me home. I vaguely remember glancing at the clock as I dropped into my bed and I think it read 4:36. I didn't wake up the next morning until 12:30. Oh wait, that actually means it was the next afternoon. I feel like I'm 22 again.

Hot Rod

2006-06-19T09:21:00.000-07:00

The phone rang a little bit ago. When I looked at the caller id it said, "Kemp, Klein, Ump" which is my dad's law firm. Well, it's actually Kemp, Klein, Umphrey, Endelman, & May but that doesn't fit on the caller id screen. Instead of summarizing the conversation I'm just going to provide you with the transcript with notes at certain points.

Joeboo: Jessica, it's your father, Joe (last name). Is your mother around?
(this was at around 11:30 and he knows that my mother works so it was very odd that he was looking for her at home)
Wixom Vixen: Umm, no. I'm pretty sure she's at work.
Joeboo: Okay, I was trying to call AAA this morning and accidentally called her and then she had called my office looking for me.
Wixom Vixen: Oh.
Joeboo: If you talk to her tell that I'm okay. My car caught on fire but it's at the dealership and I've got another car.
Wixom Vixen: Holy Shit! Your car caught on fire?! How did that happen?
Joeboo: Well, basically you shouldn't play with your crack pipe while driving. That's the lesson to be learned.
WV: I'll remember that the next time I'm tempted to smoke crack.
J: They don't know right now what it was, it might be a broken power steering line.
WV: Aw man, dad. Your new car.
J: I know! The car with less that 2500 miles. (sad sigh)
WV: Wow. Bummer.
J: Anyways, I have to get back to work. Just tell your mother that I'm okay if you talk to her.
WV: Will do. Bye.
J: Bye.

On Saturday my father wiped out while riding his bike and it was in front of a house with all this construction so he fell on gravel. He had big ugly-looking cuts and scrapes all over his right arm and leg yesterday at Family Dinner. The guy seems to be having a bad week. But at least he can still make jokes about smoking crack.

Ice Princess

2006-06-17T15:43:00.000-07:00

Holy crap. What was up with my last post? It was all sappy and sentimental. The other day I was at the card store with my 12 year-old charge and we were looking at Father's Day cards. There was another woman in the aisle who looked very proper and mom-ish. So I kept saying my comments on the cards very loudly so she was sure to hear. I would say stuff like, "Gawd. These cards are terrible. They're all mushy and sappy and filled with loving compliments. I'm going to barf." and then I made gagging noises. When I finally found the card I bought I said to my charge, "This card is great. It's funny and doesn't have any of that 'I love you' or 'you're the best father' shi-...uh, crap." I think I saw the mother figure give me a few sideways glances.

Traveling Companion

2006-06-14T16:29:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to Jim Croce right now. Some of his songs make me think of my father and the road trips that we used to take. After my parents got divorced we (Joeboo, Miguel, and I) would take vacations and we always drove to the destination which meant long hours in the car. I always sat up front cause Miguel sat in back and slept or read so he didn't get carsick. I liked sitting up front and chatting with my dad. I felt like I was important. And then sometimes he would put in music and sing along and I'd try to learn the words so I could sing along too. Jim Croce was one of his favorites. He liked Paul Simon and James Taylor too. I think even then I was trying to impress him so that he would like me. Being in the car with my dad are some of my happiest memories.

Dirty Computer

2006-06-14T16:21:00.000-07:00

Why is it that whenever I hit "next blog" it's some kind of freaky sexual thing? Last time it was the Easter Bunny getting action and this time it was some couple in Michigan who are looking for swingers. There were pictures. Sheesh.

So Many Men...Only One Wixom Vixen

2006-06-12T10:48:00.000-07:00

I have so much stuff to post. I'll start with Ryan's party on Saturday. I have to give many props to Jackie for driving us. Especially since I fell asleep (or passed out, whatever) on the way home and she had to entertain herself for the long drive. And then she let me crash on their couch for the night. The party was a fabulous good time. We started off at Ryan's place and then went to this really fun bar. I was so excited cause the bartender knew what I meant when I said that I wanted a Cape Codder with a splash of 7-Up. I had a few of those and a few Red-Headed Sluts. They played awesome music for dancing. I like watching Austin dance. I tried to keep up with him at one point but he's a dancin' fool. And speaking of Austin, at the beginning of the night he asks me, "So, what's up with you and Ari?" And so I was all, "What do you mean 'what's up with me and Ari?" And he said that he had heard some things and so I broke down and told him that I'm pregnant with his love child. I don't know how he found out. I thought Ari and I were being so good at keeping our secret. Then he mentioned a love triangle and I was all, "Gawd, I wish that I was involved in a love triangle with 2 cute boys. It would be my ultimate fantasy come true" Darn Austin, getting my hopes up like that. I should sic Raffi on him.

*Added after original post*
I think that I had many interesting conversations on Saturday but I can't seem to recall all of them. Jackie and I decided that her, me, Beckie, and Sarah are going to be the Fanta girls for Halloween so tape the commercial for us if you see it.

Don't You Wanna?

2006-06-10T08:28:00.000-07:00

I skipped the Race for the Cure this morning. I was trying to think of ways to get out of and when I got to the point where I was considering purposely crashing my car on the way downtown I figured I should just skip it and not worry about it. I mean, why can't I frickin' give money and have that be enough? Yeah, it's terrible that my family friend had breast cancer and a masectomy but why do I have to do stuff that I hate to show support? I already paid the money so I feel as I did my part. I didn't even call and tell her. She probably thinks I'm an inconsiderate bitch now but sometimes I have to think about what's best for me.

I am going to Ryan's party today. I was just in a crap mood last night. But it totally sucks that both Sarah and Beckie aren't going. And I don't have to worry about looking fat cause it's just my friends and a bunch of gay dudes and they don't care about my jiggly belly. When I last babysat my little sister we played a new game where we "poke Sissy's belly and watch it jiggle".

I have that Fanta song in my head and I'm trying to remember which girl I was. Sarah, Jackie, Beckie and I were watching the commercial once and all chose girls to be but I can't remember who's who.

I hung out with Kristen last night. Now that is a girl who is having a crap week. Actually a crap year. She gets cancer, has to have a surgery and now has a big scar on her neck, her Dad dies, she's getting into legal battles with her landlady. And then this week she pulled a ligament in her ankle and a piece of ceiling at the hospital fell on her head and she has a cut on her forehead. And she just keeps plugging along.

Non-Acetone

2006-06-09T17:27:00.000-07:00

I'm doing the Race for the Cure thing tomorrow morning. I really, really, REALLY don't want to do it. I hate downtown. I hate parking downtown. I hate crowds. And I hate physical activity. That doesn't involve a cute boy that is. Then tomorrow night I'm supposed to go to Ryan's party. I think it's a Barmitzvah. But I dont' even feel like going to that. It'll just be an hour of trying on outfits and realizing that I look fat in all of them. And then hanging out and having a fabulous time with people that I like hanging out with followed by weeks of rejection. I mean if I don't go then I won't have to remember "the good times" when people wanted to hang out with me. It's that theory that if you don't know about something then you can't miss it, you know?