Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fronds

The Wixom Vixen was knocked on her ass earlier this week and has been down for the count. But it seems my mother was right and I was not knocking at Death's door and didn't need a priest at my bedside. So I will live to see my next birthday and will finally be able to legally drink!

Who took my Geritol?

I keep coming across these signs that I'm becoming a mature and responsible adult. The other day I was at a clothing store that is frequented by a lot of teens. I was looking for a cute party shirt and I found this one that I really liked. It was black and had pink ribbons. One of the ribbons was all frayed at the bottom and at first I was really annoyed that the shirt was damaged and that was the only one in my size. Then I started to wonder, "Is that how it's supposed to be? Is this the hip new fashion that the kids are wearing these days?" And then I realized that I had just uttered words comparable to what my mother might say and I nearly dropped the shirt.

I'm getting old! *sob* And I'm becoming my mother! *extreme sobbing*

The Age of Stamina

I just got back from running some errands. I needed cheese. As I was driving down Eleven Mile, I saw this big group of guys walking down the street. They all had really tight white pants on and some were shirtless. I was quite pleased and thought to myself, "Well, this is certainly a nice scenic drive." Just as I was licking my lips in appreciation, I realized that I was driving past a high school and the guys were on a high school football team. So I reminded myself, "Too young, Jessica. Too young."

Now I'm in a true crime movie

I'm really freaked out right now. A few minutes ago there was a knock on my door. I didn't immediately get up cause I couldn't think of anyone that would be stopping over right now. I don't have the TV or radio on so there's no noise coming from the apartment. So I start to slowly and quietly get up as the person knocks again, thinking that I'll check the peephole to see who it is, when I hear a key being put in the lock and my door being unlocked. Then I'm thinking that it's maintenance but I haven't called them. So I get to the door and undo the deadbolt and I hear the key being removed from the bottom lock. I look out the peephole and I see the back of some woman walking away with a child. I guess I scared her away when she realized somebody was home. Who the hell is she? Does she have a key to my apartment? I then heard her move to the next apartment on the other side and try that door. I don't know if she got in or what. I don't know if I should call the police or call the apartment manager but I'M REALLY FREAKED OUT. And a little scared.

From Here to Maternity

I think I've come up with a solution to my Mother's problem of not being able to see her granddaughter. I'll just give her another grandkid! I mean, I've got this uterus that I'm not really using for much right now. And she's so forlorn without a grandchild to dote on and spoil. In comes the Wixom Vixen to save the day! I was discussing this idea with Beckie just the other day and she agreed that it was a great plan. Of course, whenever I think she agrees with me about something, she starts singing a line from the Lisa Loeb song Stay where she says, "You say, I only hear what I want to...". I'm not sure if Beckie is trying to tell me something or if she just really likes Lisa Loeb. Currently, I'm not seeing any downsides to this plan. It's pure brilliance!

Even though I don't see any downsides, I have this nagging feeling that there's something I'm not thinking about...

Good Guys Finish Last

I'm feeling very defeated right now. I had dinner with my brother and Sil tonight. I had thought it was just going to be the three of us but they turned it into more of a dinner party and there were 3 other people there. Which meant I didn't get a chance to talk to my brother about why he's such an idiot and why he's treating our mother (the nicest woman in the world) like crap. My mother told me tonight that she's going camping this weekend with friends because, and I quote, "I really need to get away and be around people who like me and value me as a person and friend.", said by Trish the Dish. That breaks my heart. I've always been a believer in karma but lately I'm really questioning it. What's the point of living a good and decent life and treating others with respect and dignity when something like this happens to a truly good person? Maybe it's true that good guys do finish last. I'm so tired of this shit that Sil puts us through. That's the overwhelming feeling I have right now. I'm just disheartened and tired.

I'm going to go and curl up with Cuddles in my bed now.

Why is bread so expensive?

This next statement I'm about to make may shock some of you and you may find it quite hard to believe. But I am not one of those super popular girls whose cell phone is always ringing or who's always talking on her phone. I actually don't get that many calls. So I was a little discombobulated this evening when my cell phone started ringing while I was at Family Video. I was in such a state of bewilderment that I actually dropped the phone while trying to see who was calling. It was my father. So I answer and here's the convo (that's my shortened word for conversation):

Wixom Vixen: Hello?
Joeboo: Hello, Jessica. It's your father. Do you have a minute to talk?
WV: Umm...well, I'm at the video store.
Joeboo: (in a surprised sounding voice) You're at the video store?
WV: Yes. I'm renting a video.
Joeboo: Oh, well give me a call when you get a minute.
WV: Will do.

Then I was curious and apprehensive about why he would call me on a Wednesday night so I finished up at Fam Vid and called him back. He wanted to know if I had spoken to Miguel or Sil since he had written them a letter requesting a Family Meeting and they had written back a scathing response with a refusal. I told him that I had called them before going to the video store but gotten voice mail and left a message and that I hadn't actually spoken to them in a couple weeks. He said I was mentioned in their response and he would share the letter with me next time I'm at the house. Greeeeeeeeeeeat.

Then I went to Farmer Jack's to get apples and bread. I'm walking into the grocery store and my phone starts ringing again! This time it was Miguel but it kept breaking up and I said I would call him back when I was done. So I quickly do my shopping and as I'm leaving the parking lot and heading home, I'm trying to find a good song on the radio. I get to the oldies station and I hear a song that just seems to really fit the moment. I have no idea who it's by but it's a guy singing and in the chorus he goes, "Hold on, I'm coming! Just hold on, I'm coming!". I took it as a sign that someone is coming to save my family from the deranged lunatic that is Sil. I have no idea who's actually going to come to our rescue but I'm gunning for a tall, cute, blue-eyed, single guy who's really attracted to buxom brunettes.

My brother was returning my call about giving Night back to them. I'm going over tomorrow night to give back Night and have dinner with them. I'm a little apprehensive. I have all these things that I want to say but my older brother seems to have the ability to make my arguments seem weak or turn them around and I don't say what I want to say. It's hard to explain. And he's still my older brother even if he's being stupid. I always have that notion, perhaps mistakenly or old-fashionedly, that the older sibling is wiser and more knowledgeable. Good thing I only have one older sibling so for everyone else I can feel like I'm smarter than them.

Don't bring my Mother into this, Buddy

I did some shopping at Meijer's tonight. My mother returned something last weekend and got one of those cards with store credit on it. She gave it to me since she said that she seldom shops there and I live right next to it. So I walk in and immediately I'm accosted by some guy at a small stand wearing a nice white button-down shirt selling newpaper subscriptions. I always feel bad walking by so I listen to his spiel and nod and then say, "No, thanks." He was very gracious and said thanks for listening and let me leave. I walk barely 3 feet and some other guy at another stand also wearing a white button-down shirt thrusts a piece of paper in my hand and then a clipboard in my other hand. He rambles about family pictures and specials and he's much more aggressive and pushy than the other guy. At this point I just want to do my shopping so I hand him back the stuff and say, "Oh, I don't have a family. So, no thanks." But he won't take no for an answer and he's like, "What about a Mommy? Everybody has a Mommy!" Then I was really irritated cause I hate when grown men and women say Mommy or Daddy. So I look at him and I reply, "Well, yeah. But nobody would want to take a picture of her." And I turned and walked away.

I felt a little guilty about implying that my mother is some sort of hideous hose-beast that nobody would want to photograph but then I saw that they had Fritos on special, buy one get one free. And I was like, "Oh, Fritos! Yummy!"

Bad Things Happen in 3's, Right?

I got the results of my German Proficiency Exam. I did not pass. I was kindof expecting a non-passing score but it still sucks. Now I have to take the exam again in October. Which means another $75. And hopefully pass this time. Life is sucky. And expensive.

The Beginning Scene of a Killer Insect Horror Flick

I'm starting to worry that I'm the cute, bubbly brunette character in a horror movie and I can't remember if that character lives or is taken out by the monster. Each morning recently when I go to take a shower, I find 1 or 2 silverfish in my bathtub. It seems that my bathtub has become some sort of breeding ground for silverfish. I don't know where they're coming from so I can't kill them at the source. And each morning they seem to be a little bit faster and bigger, as if they're mutating. I swear that this morning as I was running the water to drown them, they sputtered, "We're going to kill you, Jessica, with our many creepy legs. And then we'll feast on your liver."

I hear something coming from the other room. Hold on a sec, I'll be right back.